Our thoughts and feelings arise naturally. They come and go much as the breath comes and goes. Thoughts may have a basis in truth, but often they are just opinions, or sometimes demonstrably wrong.
We normally apply two strategies in dealing with difficult thoughts and feelings. We either obey them or struggle with them. Neither of these are likely to reduce the power or frequency of such thoughts.
Suppose a thought arises at a party: “I am socially inept”. We might obey it by avoiding conversation. Or we might struggle with it and get drunk. Both of these reactions re-inforce the thought, which returns over and over. Such a thought may trigger a cascade of memories of awkward social encounters, of acute embarrassment and awkwardness. Eventually such thinking is likely to result in avoiding social situations and withdrawing. The thoughts trigger behaviour that reinforces the thoughts.
We all have negative thoughts and feelings, and even if we can rationally convince ourselves they are not true, they continue to arise. Usually we treat our thoughts as true, and do not challenge them. Even if we recognise them as untrue, they seem to return over and over.
In The Happiness Trap, a third way of dealing with difficult thoughts is offered, called unhooking. Various ways are introduced to encourage us to unhook:
- Is the thought useful? Even if it is true, is it useful?
- Acknowledging that our mind is trying to protect us, and hence throwing up thoughts to keep us on the look out for threats.
- Reframing thoughts from “I am socially inept” to “I have a thought that I am socially inept”.
- Taking a pause and connecting with the body, say by taking a conscious breath.
